I'm sorry to report that what follows is unfortunately accurate, whether you or her have been drinking or not and regardless of whether you take her for holidays in Ibiza.

It came to me from a married friend, of course, and is an attempt to unravel the language of the sexes.

1. "Fine".

This is the word a woman uses at the end of an argument when they feel they are right and is used to shut you up. Never use "Fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have an argument.

2. "Five minutes".

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so they feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing".

This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, backwards, or all three. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

4. "Go ahead" (with raised eyebrows).

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

5. "Go ahead" (normal eyebrows).

This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Go ahead" (raised eyebrows) in a few minutes, followed by a "Nothing" and a "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five minutes" when she stops caring.

6. Loud sigh.

Though this is not actually a word, it is still a verbal statement very much misunderstood by men. A "Loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you over "Nothing", which is, of course, something.

7. Soft sigh.

Again, not a word, but an audible gesture. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Do not breathe.

8. "Oh".

This word - followed by any statement - is definitely trouble. Example: "Oh, I talked to my mother about what you did last night". The "Oh" as the lead to the sentence signifies that you are caught in a lie. You should plan your escape. She will not be "Fine" until she has thrown your clothes out of the window (do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days after this action). Do not try to lie further to get out of it. You risk a "Go ahead" (with raised eyebrows).

9. "That's okay".

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means things are not OK and that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Go ahead" (Raised eyebrows). At some point in the near future, when she has plotted and planned sufficiently, you are going to be in big trouble.

10. "Please do".

This is not a statement. It is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you should avoid a "That's okay". Alternatively, a "please do" can mean "Do not dare".

11. "Thanks".

The woman is thanking you. Do not ignore this, on pain of a "Thanks a lot!" (see below) which is something altogether different. Always reply to a "Thanks" and try to make whatever you mumble sound as if you mean it and do not let your jaw drop.

12. "Thanks a lot" (with exclamation mark).

This is very different to "Thanks". A woman always says "Thanks a lot" when she is furious. It signifies that you have infuriated her in some masculine way and will be followed by the "Loud sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud sigh", as she will tell you "Nothing".

Sinclair Newton

sinclairnewton@ibizahistoryculture.com